Your Question
My child has told me her dad lost his temper, threw her phone on the ground and kicked it across the room, breaking thescreen. She has told me sometimes he gets so mad she is afraid, he raises his hand and leg with anger. She said she is afraid, my older son says he is controlling and my younger daughter is quiet, my son says she knows how to manage this situation. We are divorced and still going through legal case regarding maintence. I would like advice on how to support children
Answer
Welcome to Ask Robyn
Welcome to our Ask Robyn service, and thank you for reaching out to us about what your children have been experiencing.
It can be very concerning to hear a child say that they feel frightened around a parent, particularly when they describe angry behaviour such as throwing or kicking objects and raising a hand or leg in anger. We can also understand that this may feel especially complicated when parents are separated and there are ongoing legal proceedings.
While we cannot know everything that is happening within the family from your message, your daughter telling you that she feels afraid is important and deserves to be taken seriously.
Listening to what your children are telling you
Firstly, when a child shares something that has frightened them, one of the most helpful things we can do is give them space to talk in their own words.
Try to listen calmly and avoid asking lots of leading questions or suggesting what might have happened. Instead, you might use open questions such as asking what happened next or how they felt at the time. This gives your children an opportunity to tell you about their experiences without feeling that they need to give a particular answer.
It can also help to let them know that they can come to you when something worries or frightens them and that it is an adult’s responsibility to help keep children safe.
Recognising that children may respond differently
You have described different responses from each of your children. One child has spoken about being afraid, your older son has described his father’s behaviour as controlling, while your younger daughter appears quieter.
Children can respond to frightening or stressful situations in very different ways. Some may talk openly, while others may become quiet, try to avoid conflict or learn ways of behaving that they believe will prevent an adult becoming angry.
Therefore, we would be cautious about assuming that a child who appears to know how to manage the situation is necessarily comfortable with what is happening. It may be helpful to give each child individual opportunities to talk about how things are for them.
Putting their safety first
Given what your daughter has told you, we would encourage you to seek professional guidance rather than trying to manage this concern on your own.
Some practical steps that may help are:
- Listen to each child separately and calmly, allowing them to describe their experiences and feelings in their own words without questioning them repeatedly.
- Keep a factual record of concerns your children disclose to you, including what they have said and when they said it. Try to record their words rather than adding interpretations or conclusions.
- Contact our ISPCC Support Line to talk through the situation with a member of our team. They can listen to the concerns and provide information and guidance around child welfare and protection.
- If you believe any of your children are in immediate danger or at immediate risk of harm, contact An Garda Síochána on 999 or 112.
Supporting them while parents are separated
It is also important to keep the children’s wellbeing separate, as far as possible, from disagreements or legal matters between parents.
Children can find separation and conflict between parents difficult to navigate. They should not feel responsible for managing an adult’s anger, protecting a sibling, passing information between parents or choosing sides.
At the same time, keeping children away from adult conflict does not mean ignoring something they tell us about feeling unsafe. We can listen carefully, take their concerns seriously and seek appropriate support without asking them to make decisions about what adults should do next.
You may also find our information about supporting children across separate homes helpful at ispcc.ie/category/parenting-hub/parenting/
Getting further support
We would particularly encourage you to contact us directly about this situation. Our Support Line provides information, advice and emotional support around child protection and welfare concerns and can also provide guidance about appropriate services.
Our Support Line is open Monday to Friday from 9:00am to 1:00pm on 01 522 4300. You can also email [email protected].
Your children can contact Childline’s 24 hour confidential, non judgemental and anonymous service if they would like to talk to someone independently about what is happening or how they are feeling. They can call Childline on 1800 66 66 66 or use the online service at Childline.ie.
Thank you for reaching out to Ask Robyn and for seeking guidance about how best to support your children. Please remember to take care of yourself while you are supporting them through this difficult situation.
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