Welcome to Ask Robyn

Welcome to our Ask Robyn service, and thank you for sharing your question with us. It can be difficult to know what a child needs emotionally, particularly when they do not always want to talk about what is happening for them.

Children can communicate their feelings in many different ways. While some will readily tell us when something is bothering them, others may need more time, prefer to process things privately or show us how they are feeling through their behaviour. Supporting a child emotionally does not mean that we need to know everything they are thinking or feeling. Often, what matters is creating a relationship in which they know they can come to us when they need to.

Being available without putting pressure on them

When we sense that something may be wrong, our instinct can be to ask questions until we understand what is happening. However, a child who is not ready to talk may experience repeated questioning as pressure, even when it comes from a place of care.

Instead, we can let them know that we have noticed they seem quieter, upset or worried and that we are available if they would like to talk. We can then give them some space while continuing to show warmth and interest in their everyday life.

For example, a simple message such as, “You do not have to talk about it now, but we are here when you are ready,” lets a child know that the door remains open.

Look beyond words

Emotional connection is built through much more than serious conversations. Spending time together, showing an interest in what matters to our children, sharing everyday routines and being present during ordinary moments can all contribute to a child’s sense of security.

Children may also choose unexpected moments to talk. A conversation might happen while walking, cooking, travelling somewhere or just before bedtime. Being available during these ordinary moments can make it easier for children to share without feeling that they are having a formal conversation about their feelings.

It can also help to pay attention to behaviour. Changes in sleep, appetite, friendships, school, mood or activities they previously enjoyed can sometimes tell us that a child may need additional support, even when they are saying very little.

Helping children understand their emotions

Children are still learning how to recognise and manage feelings. We can support this development by treating emotions as something that can be talked about without judgement.

Rather than immediately trying to fix a difficult feeling, we can acknowledge it. Saying something like, “That sounds like it was really disappointing,” or “It makes sense that you felt angry about that,” can help a child feel understood.

Over time, experiences like these can teach children that difficult feelings are manageable and that asking for support is safe.

Finding the balance between space and connection

There is no exact formula for knowing when to encourage a conversation and when to step back. However, a few approaches may help:

• Offer opportunities rather than demands. Let your child know that you are available to listen, while allowing them some choice about when and how they talk.
• Stay connected in everyday ways. Continue inviting them to spend time with you, showing interest in their world and creating opportunities to connect that do not depend on having a conversation about feelings.
• Listen before trying to solve the problem. When your child does open up, try to understand what they need. Sometimes they may want advice, while at other times they may simply want someone to hear them.
• Notice significant changes. If your child becomes increasingly withdrawn, distressed or anxious, or you notice ongoing changes in their behaviour or daily life, consider whether additional support may be helpful.

When your child needs more support

There may be times when the support of a parent or carer is not enough on its own. This does not mean that we have failed our child. Rather, recognising when another source of support could help is an important part of caring for their emotional wellbeing.

Depending on what is happening, this might involve speaking with their school, GP or another appropriate professional. If your child tells you something that raises concerns about their immediate safety or wellbeing, it is important to take this seriously and seek appropriate help.

You may also find the information and resources for parents on children’s emotional wellbeing at ISPCC.ie helpful.

Keeping the door open

Ultimately, emotionally supporting our children is less about finding the perfect words and more about the relationship we build with them over time. Children benefit from knowing that their feelings matter, that they will be listened to and that they can seek support without being judged.

Giving a child space and being emotionally available are not opposites. We can respect their need for privacy while continuing to remind them, through our words and actions, that they do not have to manage difficult feelings alone.

Support is available

If you would like to talk through concerns about your child’s emotional wellbeing, our Support Line is open Monday to Friday from 9:00am to 1:00pm on 01 522 4300. You can also email [email protected].

Your child or young person can contact Childline’s 24 hour confidential, non judgemental and anonymous service if they would like to speak with someone about anything that is worrying them.

Thank you for reaching out to Ask Robyn and for considering how best to support your child’s emotional wellbeing. Please remember to take care of yourself too,

Robyn