Welcome to Ask Robyn

Welcome to our Ask Robyn service, and thank you for reaching out about your child’s reactions when plans change.

Some children find unpredictability much harder to manage than others. A change that appears small to us can feel significant to a child who had already pictured what was going to happen or who relies on predictability to feel settled.

Becoming frustrated, upset or withdrawn may therefore be your child’s way of communicating that the change feels overwhelming rather than deliberately being difficult.

Understanding what makes change difficult

Firstly, it can be useful to look for patterns.

Does your child find all changes difficult, or are particular situations harder? Are reactions stronger when they are tired, hungry, already anxious or in a busy environment? Do unexpected changes cause more distress than changes they know about beforehand?

Understanding these patterns can help us work out what support may be useful.

Preparing rather than preventing

It can be tempting to avoid changing plans altogether to prevent an emotional reaction. However, children will encounter unexpected changes throughout life, so gradually helping them develop ways of coping can be valuable.

ISPCC guidance for children experiencing anxiety recommends maintaining predictable routines where possible and preparing children in advance when changes are expected. 

Some ideas that may help include:

• Give advance notice of changes whenever possible and explain clearly what will happen instead.
• Acknowledge their disappointment or frustration before moving towards a solution.
• Offer a small amount of choice within the new plan, where appropriate, so they regain some sense of control.
• When they are calm, talk together about what helped them manage the change and what might help next time.

Helping them regulate first

When your child is already very upset, it may not be the best time for lengthy explanations or reasoning.

Instead, focus first on helping them feel calmer. Different children need different things. Some may want quiet space, while others may respond to closeness, movement, breathing exercises or another familiar calming activity. ISPCC guidance encourages parents to remain curious about what helps an individual child manage strong emotions. You can read more about this here.

Later, once everyone is settled, you can return to what happened without shame or criticism.

When to explore things further

Difficulty with change can happen for many reasons and, on its own, does not tell us why your child is reacting this way.

However, if their reactions are frequent, intense or affecting school, friendships, family life or their ability to take part in everyday activities, it may be helpful to discuss what you are noticing with your GP or another appropriate professional.

You are not alone

If you would like to talk more about this or any othere worries you may have, our Support Line is open Monday to Friday from 9:00am to 1:00pm on 01 522 4300, or you can email [email protected].

Thank you for reaching out to Ask Robyn and for looking for ways to understand what your child needs during these moments. Please remember to look after yourself too,

Robyn