Welcome to Ask Robyn

Welcome to our Ask Robyn service, and thank you for reaching out with a question that many parents and carers may relate to. Parenting can bring a great deal of responsibility, and when we see other parents appearing confident or seeming to have everything figured out, it can be easy to wonder whether we are doing enough or making the right choices.

Comparing ourselves with others is a very human response. However, when comparison regularly leaves us feeling inadequate or doubtful, it may be helpful to look at what is driving those feelings and find ways to reconnect with our own values as parents.

Remembering that we rarely see the full picture

Firstly, what we see of another family is usually only a small part of their experience. This can be particularly true on social media, where people may share happy moments, achievements and parenting successes without showing the difficult mornings, worries, disagreements or uncertainty that are also part of family life.

ISPCC’s information on parental mental health highlights that social media can influence how parents view themselves and that some parents may find themselves negatively comparing their parenting abilities with others.

Therefore, when comparison begins, it may help to gently remind ourselves that we are comparing our whole parenting experience with only the part of someone else’s experience that we can see.

Finding confidence in your own parenting

There is no single way to be a good parent. Children have different personalities, needs and circumstances, and families have different values, routines and resources. What works well for one family may not be right for another.

Instead of asking, “Am I parenting as well as they are?” it may be more useful to ask, “Is this choice working for our child and our family?”

Confidence does not necessarily mean being certain about every decision. Parenting involves learning, adapting and sometimes changing our minds. Over time, confidence can grow when we pay attention to our child’s needs, recognise what is going well and allow ourselves to make thoughtful decisions without expecting perfection.

Practical ideas that may help

Some small changes can help reduce comparison and strengthen trust in our own parenting:

• Notice your comparison triggers. Pay attention to when these feelings are strongest. If particular social media accounts, conversations or situations regularly leave you doubting yourself, consider taking some space from them or changing what you follow.
• Identify your parenting values. Think about the qualities you most want your child to experience at home, such as feeling loved, safe, listened to and respected. These values can become a useful guide when you are unsure about a parenting decision.
• Keep track of what is going well. At the end of the day, notice one small moment that felt positive. It might be listening when your child needed you, sharing a laugh, holding a boundary calmly or reconnecting after a difficult moment.
• Choose support rather than comparison. Spending time with parents who can talk openly about both the rewarding and difficult parts of parenting can help create a more realistic picture of family life.

Being mindful of social media

If much of the comparison happens online, it may be worth reviewing how your social media feed makes you feel. Parenting content can be useful when it offers ideas and connection, but it is less helpful when it consistently leaves us feeling that we are falling short.

You may find the ISPCC article on parental mental health helpful at parental mental health⁠. It includes information about parenting pressures, social media comparison and looking after our wellbeing. 

Reaching out for support

If these feelings of self doubt are becoming difficult to manage or are affecting your wellbeing, you do not have to work through them alone. Talking things through with someone can sometimes help us see our parenting more fairly and identify where additional support might be useful.

Our Support Line is open Monday to Friday from 9:00am to 1:00pm on 01 5224300. You can also email [email protected].

If your child or young person would ever like support themselves, they can contact Childline’s 24 hour confidential, non judgemental and anonymous service to talk about anything that may be worrying them.

Thank you for reaching out to Ask Robyn. Please remember to take care of yourself too.

Robyn