Welcome to Ask Robyn

Welcome to our Ask Robyn service. It is understandable to want to protect our children from harm, disappointment and difficult experiences. At the same time, as children grow, part of parenting involves gradually allowing them more independence and opportunities to make choices for themselves.

Finding that balance can be challenging. There is rarely one clear point at which a parent should step in or stand back. Instead, it can help to consider your son’s age and development, the level of risk involved and what he might learn from handling a situation himself.

Protection versus overprotection

Keeping a child safe and being overprotective are not quite the same thing. Children need boundaries, guidance and protection, particularly when there is a genuine risk to their safety or wellbeing.

However, sometimes our own worry can make everyday situations feel more dangerous than they actually are. We might find ourselves stepping in quickly, preventing an activity because something could go wrong, making decisions our child could reasonably make themselves, or trying to protect them from ordinary disappointment and mistakes.

One useful question to consider is, “Am I responding to a real risk here, or to the discomfort of feeling worried?”

That distinction may help when deciding what your son genuinely needs from you in the moment.

Giving him room to grow

As children develop, manageable challenges can give them opportunities to practise decision making, problem solving and coping when things do not go according to plan. This does not mean withdrawing support or leaving a child to deal with situations they are not ready for.

Rather, we can think of independence as something that develops gradually. A parent can remain available while allowing their child to take the lead a little more.

For example, instead of immediately solving a problem, we might ask, “What do you think you could do?” If a child makes a choice that does not work out, we can help them think about what happened and what they might do differently next time.

Questions that may help you decide when to step in

When you are unsure whether to intervene, the following approaches may help:

• Consider the actual level of risk. If there is a significant concern about your son’s safety or wellbeing, stepping in is appropriate. If the likely outcome is a manageable mistake, frustration or disappointment, there may be value in allowing him to work through it.
• Think about what he can manage at his age. Ask yourself whether the responsibility is appropriate for his developmental stage and whether he has shown that he can manage similar situations before.
• Try stepping back gradually. Independence does not need to happen all at once. You might give him a little more responsibility while agreeing on clear boundaries and letting him know that support is available if he needs it.
• Notice what is driving the decision. When you feel an urge to intervene, take a moment to consider whether your son needs help or whether your own anxiety is asking you to take control. Sometimes allowing ourselves a little time before reacting can make the decision clearer.

Staying connected while encouraging independence

Importantly, giving your son more freedom does not mean becoming less involved in his life. In fact, a strong connection can provide a secure base from which children begin to explore their independence.

Open conversations can be particularly helpful. Asking your son how much responsibility he feels ready for and listening to his views can help you decide what the next appropriate step might be. Clear expectations around safety can remain in place while he has increasing choice within those boundaries.

It may also help to remember that getting something wrong occasionally is part of learning. Our role does not always have to be preventing every difficult experience. Sometimes it is being there afterwards to listen, support and help our child make sense of what happened.

Finding further support

If worry about your son’s safety is regularly making it difficult to allow him age appropriate independence, talking it through may help. Our Support Line is open Monday to Friday from 9:00am to 1:00pm on 01 522 4300. You can also email [email protected].

You may also find the parenting information and advice available at ISPCC.ie useful for supporting your son as he develops greater independence.

If your son would like to talk about something that is worrying him, he can contact Childline’s 24 hour confidential, non judgemental and anonymous service for support.

Thank you for reaching out to Ask Robyn and sharing your concern with us. As you support your son in finding his independence, please remember to take care of yourself too.

Robyn