Welcome to Ask Robyn

Welcome to our Ask Robyn service, and thank you for getting in touch with such a thoughtful question. Wanting our children to make the most of their abilities while also protecting their wellbeing is a balance many parents can find difficult.

Encouragement can help children develop confidence, persistence and belief in themselves. However, when too much importance becomes attached to results, children may begin to worry about disappointing the people they care about. The good news is that we can encourage children to work towards their goals while also making it clear that our relationship with them is not dependent on their achievements.

Focus on effort rather than outcomes

It can be tempting to focus on the visible result, such as a high mark, winning a match or performing particularly well. However, outcomes are not always within a child’s control.

Instead, we can notice the things our children can influence. This might include their effort, preparation, willingness to practise, courage in trying something difficult or ability to keep going after a setback.

For example, rather than concentrating only on the result of a test, we might recognise how consistently our child prepared for it. This helps shift the message from “success is what matters” towards “learning, effort and growth matter too.”

Let her goals belong to her

As children grow, it is important that they have opportunities to discover what interests and motivates them. Sometimes the goals we would choose for our children are not the goals they would choose for themselves.

Having conversations with your daughter about what she enjoys, what she finds difficult and what she would like to achieve can help you understand what motivates her. Where possible, allow her to have a voice in setting her own goals.

It can also be helpful to ask what kind of support she wants from you. She might appreciate encouragement before an important event, practical help with organising her time or simply knowing you are available if she wants to talk.

Notice how encouragement is being received

Children differ in how they respond to expectations. What feels motivating to one child may feel overwhelming to another. Therefore, paying attention to your daughter’s behaviour and emotions can help you judge whether the balance feels right.

If she becomes very anxious about making mistakes, is extremely self critical, regularly worries about disappointing you, or feels unable to enjoy activities she previously liked, it may be worth exploring whether she is experiencing too much pressure.

This does not necessarily mean the pressure is coming directly from home. Children can experience expectations from school, friends, coaches, social media and themselves. A calm conversation may help you understand what she is carrying.

Ways to encourage without increasing pressure

There are some practical ways we can help children feel supported while allowing them to develop their own motivation:

• Praise what is within her control. Notice effort, persistence, preparation, kindness and willingness to learn rather than focusing mainly on grades, awards or winning.
• Ask before offering advice. If something has not gone as she hoped, consider asking whether she wants help finding a solution or would prefer you simply to listen.
• Make room for rest and enjoyment. Children need time when they are not working towards a goal or being evaluated. Protecting time for friends, family, hobbies and relaxation can help create balance.
• Respond calmly to setbacks. How we react when things go wrong can be particularly powerful. Showing that mistakes, losses and disappointing results can be talked about without criticism helps children learn that their worth is not tied to achievement.

Make your message about more than achievement

It can be useful to consider what our everyday conversations communicate about success. If most of our questions are about grades, training, matches or achievements, children may understandably conclude that these things are especially important to us.

Alongside asking about what they achieved, we can show interest in how they felt, what they enjoyed, what surprised them and what they learned.

Most importantly, children benefit from hearing and experiencing that they are valued for who they are, not only for what they accomplish. Affection, attention and connection during both successes and disappointments can reinforce this message.

Helping her develop motivation from within

Ultimately, we want children to gradually develop their own reasons for trying, learning and pursuing goals. When motivation comes from curiosity, enjoyment, personal values or a sense of achievement, children can begin to take greater ownership of their choices.

Our role can then become less about pushing them forward and more about walking alongside them, offering guidance and encouragement when needed while allowing them to decide what success means for them.

You may find further parenting information and resources around children’s confidence, wellbeing and development at ISPCC.ie.

Support for your family

If you would like to talk through concerns about pressure, motivation or your daughter’s wellbeing, our Support Line is open Monday to Friday from 9:00am to 1:00pm on 01 522 4300. You can also email [email protected].

If your daughter would like to talk about school, sport, expectations or anything else that is worrying her, she can contact Childline’s 24 hour confidential, non judgemental and anonymous service for support.

Thank you for reaching out to Ask Robyn and for thinking carefully about how encouragement feels from your daughter’s perspective. Please remember to take care of yourself too.

Robyn