Welcome to Ask Robyn

Welcome to our Ask Robyn service, and thank you for reaching out about your son.

It can be difficult to see a child missing someone who has been such an important part of their everyday life. Although his best friend moved away during the summer, returning to school may have made the change feel much more real for your son. The familiar routines they once shared are no longer there, and he may be adjusting not only to missing his friend but also to finding his place socially at school without him.

The fact that his teacher has noticed a change too gives you an opportunity to work together and keep an eye on how he is managing.

Giving him space to miss his friend

Firstly, it may help to acknowledge that missing his friend is a natural response to an important friendship changing. We can sometimes be tempted to cheer children up quickly or encourage them to make new friends, but your son may need some time to feel sad about what has changed.

You could gently ask him what he misses most about having his friend at school and listen without immediately trying to solve the problem. Sometimes simply being able to say that school feels different or that he feels lonely can help a child begin to make sense of their feelings.

At nine years old, he may not always have the words to explain exactly what is happening for him. Therefore, spending relaxed time together, perhaps while walking, playing or doing something he enjoys, may make conversations feel easier.

Keeping an important friendship alive

The weekly video calls you have arranged sound like a helpful way of showing your son that moving away does not necessarily mean losing the friendship.

Alongside these calls, the boys might enjoy finding other simple ways to remain part of each other’s lives. They could occasionally send each other a photo, drawing, letter or update about something that happened during their week.

At the same time, it can help to keep expectations flexible. Their friendship may change as they both settle into new routines, but that does not take away from how meaningful it has been or prevent them from remaining friends.

Helping him reconnect at school

While supporting his existing friendship, we can also gently create opportunities for your son to strengthen other connections. This does not mean replacing his best friend. Instead, it can help him discover that there is room for an important friendship from a distance as well as new and developing friendships closer to home.

Some practical ideas that may help include:

• Keep the regular contact with his friend going while allowing your son some choice about how and when they connect.
• Speak with his teacher about what they are noticing and whether there are opportunities to help him connect naturally with other children during class, breaks or activities.
• Encourage activities based on things he genuinely enjoys, such as sport, music, art, gaming or another hobby, where friendships can develop around shared interests.
• Continue checking in gently about how he is feeling, particularly if you notice changes in his mood, sleep, appetite, confidence, interests or willingness to go to school.

Knowing when he may need more support

It may take some time for your son to adjust to this change. However, because both you and his teacher have noticed that he seems less happy than usual, it is worth continuing to pay attention to how he is doing.

If his low mood continues, becomes more noticeable, or begins to affect other parts of his everyday life, consider speaking with his GP or another appropriate professional about whether some additional support would be helpful.

Keeping communication open with his teacher can also give you a fuller picture of whether he is beginning to settle socially or finding certain parts of the school day particularly difficult.

Supporting friendships through change

Friendships can be enormously important to children, and learning that a close friendship can survive change and distance can be valuable in itself. At the same time, your son can gradually learn that forming new connections does not mean being disloyal to his best friend or forgetting about him.

If you would like to talk through your concerns further, our Support Line is open Monday to Friday from 9:00am to 1:00pm on 01 522 4300. You can also email [email protected].

Your son can also contact Childline’s 24 hour confidential, non judgemental and anonymous service if he would like to talk to someone about missing his friend, school, friendships or anything else that is on his mind.

Thank you for reaching out to Ask Robyn and for giving your son the time and support he needs to adjust to this change. Please remember to take care of yourself too.

Robyn