Welcome to Ask Robyn

Welcome to our Ask Robyn service, and thank you for reaching out. It can be very worrying when a child who is expected to attend school becomes distressed at the thought of going back, particularly when we do not yet understand what is causing that distress.

School refusal can happen for many different reasons. A child may be experiencing difficulties with friendships, bullying, schoolwork, changes at home or school, separation worries, or something else that feels overwhelming to them. Sometimes children themselves find it difficult to understand or put into words why going to school feels so hard.

For that reason, it can be helpful to look beyond the refusal itself and become curious about what your child’s behaviour may be communicating.

Make space for the conversation

When we are worried about school attendance, it is natural to want answers quickly. However, repeatedly asking a distressed child why they will not go to school can sometimes leave them feeling under further pressure.

Instead, try creating opportunities for conversation when everyone is relatively calm and school is not immediately approaching. Let your child know that you have noticed how difficult things seem and that you want to understand what is happening so you can work through it together.

Some children may find talking face to face difficult. They might communicate more easily while walking, travelling in the car or doing another activity together. Depending on their age, they may also find it easier to write down what they are feeling or send a message.

Most importantly, try to listen before moving into problem solving. Even if the reason initially seems small to an adult, it may feel very significant to your child.

Look for clues about what has changed

It may help to think about when the difficulty began and whether anything changed around that time. For example, consider whether your child has mentioned particular lessons, friendships, teachers, journeys to school, break times or other situations that they are finding difficult.

You might also notice physical complaints such as headaches or stomach aches, difficulty sleeping, changes in mood, or distress that becomes particularly strong on school mornings.

These experiences should not automatically be assumed to be attempts to avoid school. Stress and anxiety can have very real physical and emotional effects.

Work towards a manageable return

While returning to school is important, a child who is highly distressed may need support to make that return feel achievable. Where possible, working collaboratively with your child and their school can help identify what is getting in the way and what support could make attendance easier.

Some practical steps that may help are:

• Choose a calm moment to listen. Let your child know that they are not in trouble and that the aim is to understand what is making school difficult. Avoid turning every conversation at home into a discussion about attendance.
• Contact the school early. Speak with an appropriate member of staff and explain what you are seeing at home. Ask what they have noticed in school and whether there have been changes involving friendships, learning, behaviour or other areas of school life.
• Break the return into manageable steps. Depending on your child’s circumstances and in discussion with the school, consider what might make returning feel less overwhelming. This could include being met by a familiar adult, having a safe person or place available during the day, or agreeing on a clear plan for difficult moments.
• Keep routines predictable. Regular sleep, meals, morning routines and preparation for the following day can provide some stability when school itself feels uncertain. At the same time, acknowledge that progress may take time rather than expecting every morning to go perfectly.

When additional support may be needed

If your child’s distress continues, becomes more intense or significantly affects their daily life, it would be important to seek further support. Your GP can be a useful starting point, particularly if you are concerned about your child’s emotional or physical wellbeing.

Equally, if your child tells you that they are being bullied, harmed, threatened or feel unsafe at school or elsewhere, take what they tell you seriously and seek appropriate support promptly.

You may also find the information for parents on school avoidance and refusal at ISPCC.ie helpful when considering how to support your child and work with their school.

Keep connection at the centre

Although school attendance needs to be addressed, protecting the relationship with your child is important too. They need to know that the difficulty they are experiencing does not change how you feel about them.

We can hold two things at the same time: returning to education matters, and your child’s distress deserves to be understood. Finding out what is making school feel unmanageable gives everyone a better chance of identifying the support they need to move forward.

Support for you and your child

If you would like to talk through what is happening and explore ways of supporting your child, our Support Line is open Monday to Friday from 9:00am to 1:00pm on 01 522 4300. You can also email [email protected].

Your child or young person can also contact Childline’s 24 hour confidential, non judgemental and anonymous service if they would like to talk to someone about school or anything else that is worrying them. The freephone number is 1800 66 66 66. Or they can web chat at Childline.ie

Thank you for reaching out to Ask Robyn at what sounds like a difficult time for your family. Please remember to take care of yourself as you support your child through this.

Robyn