Looking beyond whose fault it was

Welcome to Ask Robyn. You have described an argument about a Minecraft figure which escalated into a physical struggle. Your partner took the figure during the argument, your child then tried to physically take it back, including grabbing your partner’s wrist, and you responded by restraining your child on the floor. You’re now wondering whose fault the situation was and what other adults would think about both of you.

We don’t think it would be helpful to decide that everything that happened was one person’s fault. There are different actions here that can be looked at separately.

Your child grabbing your partner’s wrist and trying to use physical force to retrieve the figure wasn’t a safe way to respond. At the same time, as the adults in the situation, you and your partner have a particular responsibility to think about how a disagreement is managed before it reaches that point.

You explained that the figure was taken during an argument, even though you had previously intended to remove it at another time. Looking back, it may be worth asking whether taking it while emotions were already running high increased the likelihood of a confrontation. That doesn’t make your child’s grabbing somebody’s wrist a safe or helpful response. It does mean there may have been an opportunity for the adults to handle the situation differently before anybody became physical.

When an argument becomes physical

Physical restraint carries risks too. An argument over a possession reaching the point where a parent is lying on top of their child is something we would encourage you to reflect on carefully.

There can be situations where somebody needs to act physically to prevent immediate harm to themselves or another person. That’s different from using physical restraint to enforce a consequence, resolve an argument or win a struggle over a possession.

As the adults, you and your partner have more ability and responsibility to change how these situations are handled. That doesn’t mean accepting grabbing, snatching or other physical behaviour from your child. It means thinking about how you can set and maintain boundaries without everybody becoming caught up in a physical confrontation.

The aim isn’t to give out to either you or your child. It’s to look at where the situation could have taken a different turn and how everybody can be safer if something similar happens again.

What could you do differently next time?

You are entitled to have rules and boundaries as a parent. Your child can also have strong feelings about a possession, particularly something given to them by somebody else. Neither requires the disagreement to become physical.

Some things to consider are:

• If you have decided that an item needs to be removed, think about when and how you do this. Trying to take something during an already heated argument may increase the chance of a struggle. Where possible, deal with consequences once everybody is calmer.
• If your child starts grabbing or snatching, prioritise creating physical space and reducing the confrontation where it is safe to do so. The immediate goal doesn’t have to be winning control of the object.
• Talk about what happened afterwards when everybody is calm. Your child can hear clearly that grabbing somebody’s wrist isn’t an acceptable way to respond, while you can also acknowledge anything you wish you had handled differently. If arguments are repeatedly becoming highly escalated or physical, seek some additional support rather than waiting for the next incident to happen.

What would another adult think?

Different adults may have different opinions about the original decision to remove the figure. We can’t tell you what everybody else would think, and finding somebody who declares either you or your child completely right probably won’t help your family very much.

What we can say is that grabbing, snatching and physical restraint can increase the risk of somebody getting hurt.

It is possible to hold your child responsible for grabbing your partner’s wrist while also reflecting on the choices you and your partner made as the adults. Those things don’t cancel each other out.

It may be helpful to approach the conversation with your child in the same way. The goal doesn’t need to be getting them to admit that everything was their fault, or proving that your parenting decision was right. It can be understanding what happened and agreeing on how all of you will respond differently if another disagreement starts getting out of control.

Some support for handling conflict at home

If aggression, physical struggles or highly escalated arguments are happening more than once in your family, you may find ISPCC’s Non Violent Resistance Programme useful. NVR supports parents and carers who are experiencing aggression or violence from a child or teenager. It looks at practical ways parents can reduce escalation, respond differently to difficult behaviour and strengthen family relationships. You can find out more at ISPCC.ie/nvr/.

You can also contact our Parenting Support Line if you would like to talk through what happened and explore ways of managing future conflict. The line is open Monday to Friday from 9am to 1pm on 01 522 4300, or you can email [email protected].

Your child can contact Childline separately if they would like to talk about what happened from their perspective. Childline provides confidential, anonymous and non judgemental support.

Thank you for reaching out to Ask Robyn and being willing to reflect on a difficult moment in your family. Parenting sometimes involves looking back at an interaction and recognising that, even when the boundary itself felt important, the way the situation unfolded wasn’t how you would want it to happen again.

We hope this helps you and your partner find a calmer and safer way through similar disagreements in future. Please take care of yourself too.

Robyn