Hello and welcome

Welcome to our Ask Robyn service, and thank you for reaching out to us. It is clear from your message how much you love your daughter and how deeply concerned you are about her wellbeing. Losing contact with your child, especially when you are worried they may be in an unhealthy relationship, can be incredibly painful and overwhelming.

Understanding what may be happening

From what you have shared, it is understandable that you are worried about your daughter’s wellbeing. Although we cannot know exactly what is happening in her relationship, some of the changes you have described, such as becoming isolated from family and spending much less time with the people who were previously important to her, can sometimes be seen in unhealthy or controlling relationships.

Although your daughter is now legally an adult and has the right to make her own decisions, this does not make the situation any less distressing for you as her parent. If someone is experiencing coercive or controlling behaviour, it can be very difficult for them to recognise what is happening or to leave the relationship without support.

Keeping the door open

It is encouraging that your daughter is still in contact with some of her school friends and cousins. Maintaining these connections may help reduce her isolation and means there are trusted people who can let you know that she is safe.

At the same time, it may help to focus on keeping the door open for your daughter. If she is experiencing an unhealthy or controlling relationship, knowing that her family continues to love and support her, without judgement, may make it easier for her to reach out when she feels ready.

Ways you can support your daughter

Although you cannot make decisions on your daughter’s behalf, there are still meaningful ways you can support her.

• If you have any way of contacting her, send occasional messages that simply let her know you love her, you are thinking of her, and that she can come to you whenever she feels ready, without fear of criticism or judgement.
• Continue to stay in gentle contact with the trusted friends and relatives who are still in touch with her, while being mindful not to place them in a difficult position by asking them to pass on messages or gather information.
• If you believe your daughter is in immediate danger or you have reason to believe that she is not safe, contacting An Garda Síochána is appropriate. They can carry out a welfare check if there are concerns about someone’s immediate safety.
• Remember to look after your own wellbeing. Living with this level of uncertainty is emotionally exhausting, and seeking support for yourself can help you cope while remaining a steady source of support for your daughter.

Support for you

You do not have to carry these worries on your own. Our Support Line is open Monday to Friday from 9:00am to 1:00pm on 01 522 4300 You can also email [email protected] if you would like to talk through your concerns with one of our parenting support Team members.

You may also find it helpful to contact Women’s Aid through womensaid.ie or by calling their 24 hour National Freephone Helpline on 1800 341 900 While many people think of Women’s Aid as a service for women experiencing abuse, they can also provide guidance to family members who are concerned that someone they love may be experiencing coercive control or an unhealthy relationship.

Thank you again for reaching out to us. We hope this information has been helpful. Please take good care of yourself.

Robyn