Welcome to Ask Robyn

Welcome to our Ask Robyn service, and thank you for reaching out about your 12 year old daughter.

It can be upsetting to see your child feeling frightened by something they have heard, particularly when it begins affecting their sleep and sense of safety at home.

At this age, children are becoming more aware of the wider world, but they may still find it difficult to understand how likely certain events are to happen. Hearing about a disturbing murder case from friends can make something frightening feel much closer to home, even when there is no immediate danger.

We can understand why you want to help your daughter feel safe again, especially when the reassurance you have already offered does not seem to be helping.

Understanding what is frightening them

Firstly, it may help to gently explore what your daughter has heard and what she is most worried about.

Children sometimes hear incomplete or exaggerated details from friends, which can leave them imagining scenarios that are even more frightening than the original story.

Rather than asking lots of questions about the case itself, try to understand what your daughter believes could happen to them or their family.

You might ask what part of the story has stayed in her mind or what she finds herself thinking about when she are trying to sleep.

Listening calmly and acknowledging her feelings can help her feel understood without suggesting that their fears reflect an actual danger.

Helping her feel safe without constant reassurance

When children are anxious, they may repeatedly ask whether something bad is going to happen or seek reassurance by checking doors and windows.

Although reassurance can provide temporary relief, repeatedly checking or answering the same questions may sometimes strengthen the cycle of anxiety.

Instead, it can help to offer a calm, realistic explanation about the everyday steps your family takes to stay safe.

For example, you can explain that adults are responsible for locking doors and looking after household safety, so yourdaughter does not need to take on that responsibility.

It is also important to avoid promising that nothing bad will ever happen. We cannot guarantee this, but we can help children understand that hearing about a frightening event does not mean they are personally in danger.

Some practical ways to support them

• Choose a calm time during the day to talk about what she has heard, helping her separate frightening stories from what is happening in her own life.
• Maintain a predictable bedtime routine with calming activities such as reading, listening to gentle music or spending a little quiet time together.
• Keep normal household safety routines consistent, while gently discouraging repeated checking of doors or windows for reassurance.
• Limit further exposure to disturbing news, videos or conversations about the case, particularly in the evening.

Helping her body and mind settle

Anxiety can affect children physically as well as emotionally. Even when they understand that they are safe, their bodies may still respond as though something frightening is about to happen.

Therefore, it may help to practise simple calming techniques together, such as slow breathing, relaxing tense muscles or noticing familiar things around them.

These strategies can be introduced during the day when your daughter is feeling calm, rather than waiting until she is already very frightened at bedtime.

It may also help to remind her that frightening thoughts are not predictions. Sometimes our minds focus on upsetting possibilities after hearing something disturbing, but having a thought does not mean that it will happen.

Knowing when additional support may help

For many children, fears following upsetting news gradually ease with time, understanding and support.

However, if your daughter continues to struggle with sleep, becomes increasingly fearful, avoids normal activities or feels unable to settle without repeated checking, it may be helpful to seek further advice.

Your GP can discuss the anxiety and whether additional support would be appropriate, particularly if the difficulties continue or begin affecting school and everyday life.

Finding further support

If you would like to talk through your concerns, our Support Line is open Monday to Friday from 9:00am to 1:00pm on01 522 4300. You can also email [email protected].

Your daughter can also contact Childline’s 24 hour confidential, non judgemental and anonymous service on 1800 66 66 66 or through Childline.ie if she would like someone independent to talk to about their fears or anything else that is worrying her.

Thank you for reaching out to Ask Robyn and for helping your daughter make sense of something frightening. Please remember to take care of yourself too.

Robyn