Welcome to Ask Robyn

Welcome to our Ask Robyn service, and thank you for reaching out about your daughter and the support she provides to her younger brother.

It can be lovely to see a caring relationship between siblings, particularly when an older child shows kindness and understanding towards a younger brother or sister.

However, it is understandable that you are beginning to wonder whether your daughter may be taking on more emotional responsibility than is appropriate for her age.

There is an important difference between siblings supporting one another and a child feeling responsible for managing another person’s emotions or wellbeing.

Recognising when support becomes responsibility

Firstly, it may help to look at what your daughter is doing for her brother and how often she feels she needs to step in.

For example, does she comfort him occasionally when he is upset, or does she regularly feel responsible for calming him down, resolving his difficulties or preventing him from becoming distressed?

Children can sometimes take on these responsibilities because they are naturally caring, because they want to help their family or because they believe someone needs them to manage a difficult situation.

Although her intentions may be positive, regularly carrying this responsibility could leave her feeling overwhelmed or make it harder for her to focus on her own needs.

Giving both children the support they need

It may be helpful to gently remind your daughter that while her kindness towards her brother is valued, she is not responsible for managing his feelings.

As parents and carers, we can support children in developing empathy and compassion while making sure that responsibility for their emotional wellbeing remains with the adults around them.

At the same time, your younger son may benefit from learning other ways to manage difficult feelings and knowing which adults he can approach when he needs support.

Some practical steps that may help

• Spend some individual time with your daughter and ask how she feels about supporting her brother, including whether she ever feels worried, tired or responsible for keeping him happy.
• Reassure her that she can care about her brother without having to solve his problems or manage his emotions.
• Step in more consistently when your son needs emotional support, helping him develop coping strategies and encouraging him to turn to trusted adults when he is struggling.
• Create opportunities for your daughter to enjoy her own friendships, hobbies and interests without feeling that she needs to remain available to her brother.

Helping your daughter set healthy boundaries

Children who are naturally caring may sometimes find it difficult to say no, particularly when they know someone they love is upset.

Therefore, it can be helpful to teach your daughter that setting boundaries does not mean she is being unkind.

For example, she can offer her brother comfort while also recognising when she needs a break or when an adult should take over.

We can reinforce this by noticing and respecting her own feelings, choices and need for personal space.

Looking at the wider family picture

It may also be useful to consider why your younger son relies so heavily on his sister for emotional support.

Perhaps he feels particularly comfortable talking to her, or she may have become the person he automatically turns to when something is difficult.

While this closeness can be positive, gradually widening his support network may help both children. This could include parents, carers, other trusted family members or appropriate supports at school.

If your daughter appears anxious, exhausted, guilty about taking time for herself or increasingly responsible for her brother’s wellbeing, it may be helpful to explore additional family support. Similarly, if your son’s emotional difficulties are frequent or affecting everyday life, consider discussing his needs with your GP or another appropriate professional.

You may find our related ISPCC article about supporting children’s emotional needs helpful at ISPCC/are-we-are-giving-our-child-the-emotional-support-they-need/

Finding the right balance

Ultimately, the aim is not to discourage your children from caring for one another. Instead, it is to help them enjoy a sibling relationship in which they can offer kindness and companionship without feeling responsible for each other’s emotional wellbeing.

If you would like to talk through your family situation further, our Support Line is open Monday to Friday from 9:00am to 1:00pm on 01 522 4300. You can also email [email protected].

Both your daughter and son can contact Childline’s 24 hour confidential, non judgemental and anonymous service on 1800 66 66 66 or through Childline.ie if they would like to talk independently about their feelings or anything happening at home.

Thank you for reaching out to Ask Robyn and for considering the emotional needs of both your children. Please remember to look after yourself too.

Robyn