Welcome to our Ask Robyn service

It can be challenging to know when to step back and allow a child to learn from their experiences and when to step in and offer support. Many parents and carers find themselves trying to balance protecting their child with helping them develop important social skills. At 10 years old, friendships become increasingly important, and children are still learning how to manage disagreements, misunderstandings, and changing social dynamics.

Understanding everyday friendship challenges

Friendship difficulties are a normal part of growing up. Disagreements about games, misunderstandings between friends, or occasional feelings of exclusion can provide valuable opportunities for children to learn communication, problem solving, and resilience. When children are supported to work through manageable challenges, they can gain confidence in their ability to handle future situations.

For this reason, it can be helpful to first listen to your child’s concerns and explore how they might like to respond before immediately stepping in. Asking questions such as “What do you think you could do?” or “How would you like the situation to change?” can encourage them to think through possible solutions.

When it may be best to step back

In many situations, children can benefit from handling the issue themselves with your encouragement and guidance in the background. This might include situations where:

• The disagreement is minor and both children are generally respectful.
• Your child feels upset but still feels safe and able to talk about what is happening.
• The friendship issue appears to be temporary and likely to resolve naturally.
• Your child is open to trying strategies to address the problem themselves.

By remaining available and interested, you can offer support without taking over.

When stepping in may be necessary

There are times when adult involvement is important. You may want to consider intervening if:

• Your child is being bullied, threatened, intimidated, or repeatedly targeted.
• The situation is having a significant impact on their wellbeing, mood, sleep, school attendance, or self esteem.
• There are concerns about online behaviour, exclusion, or harassment through messaging or social media.
• Your child has tried to address the issue themselves but the problem continues or escalates.

In these situations, it may be appropriate to contact the school, speak with another parent if suitable, or seek additional support to ensure your child feels safe and supported.

Supporting your child through friendship difficulties

While every situation is different, the following approaches may help:

• Listen calmly and give your child space to share their experience without rushing to solve the problem.
• Help them identify possible responses and practise what they might say in difficult situations.
• Encourage them to spend time with a variety of friends and activities to build confidence and broaden their support network.
• Keep communication open so they know they can come to you if the situation changes or becomes more difficult.

Finding the right balance

Ultimately, there is no perfect formula for deciding when to step in. Often, the goal is not to remove every challenge but to remain close enough to offer guidance while allowing your child opportunities to develop their own social skills. By staying connected, listening carefully, and watching for signs that a situation is affecting their wellbeing, you can make informed decisions about when extra support may be needed.

If you would like to talk some more about this, our Support Line is open Monday to Friday from 9:00am to 1:00pm on 01 533 4300. Or you can email [email protected].

Thanks again for getting in touch. We wish you well,

Robyn