Welcome to Ask Robyn

Welcome to our Ask Robyn service, and thank you for reaching out about the challenges you are experiencing around parenting across two homes.

It is understandable that different rules and routines can sometimes create uncertainty for a child and tension between parents. When parents live separately, agreeing on every aspect of parenting may not always be possible. However, consistency does not necessarily mean that everything has to be exactly the same in both homes.

Focusing on what matters most

Firstly, it may help to identify the areas where consistency is most important for your child. These might include school attendance, bedtime routines, homework, behaviour expectations or arrangements between homes.

Rather than trying to agree on every detail, focusing on a small number of shared expectations can make things more manageable. Your child can then understand that while each home may work slightly differently, there are some predictable boundaries and routines they can rely on.

Keeping conversations child focused

When disagreements arise, it can be helpful to bring the conversation back to what your child needs rather than which parent has the better approach. Starting with the things you both want for your child can sometimes make it easier to find common ground.

In addition, try to keep disagreements between adults away from your child where possible. Children can find it difficult when they feel caught between parents or believe they have to choose a side.

Some practical ideas that may help

• Agree on two or three important routines or expectations that can be reasonably consistent across both homes.
• Keep communication focused on your child’s needs and current situation rather than returning to previous disagreements.
• Consider using written communication for practical arrangements if this helps conversations remain clear and calm.
• Review arrangements as your child grows, recognising that routines and needs may change over time.

Creating security across two homes

Ultimately, children can learn that different homes have different routines while still feeling secure and supported. What can be particularly helpful is knowing what to expect and seeing that the important adults in their lives are working together where possible.

We have further information that may be useful in our ISPCC article: ISPCC/how-to-manage-shared-parenting-after-a-separation-or-divorce/

If you would like to talk through your situation in more detail, our Support Line is open Monday to Friday from 9:00am to 1:00pm on 01 522 4300. You can also email [email protected].

Your child can also contact Childline’s 24 hour confidential, non judgemental and anonymous service if they would like to talk to someone about how they are feeling or about changes within the family.

Thank you for reaching out to Ask Robyn. We hope you can also make some space to look after yourself while navigating shared parenting.

Robyn