Welcome to Ask Robyn

Welcome to our Ask Robyn service, and thank you for reaching out about what your daughter has shared with you.

Hearing that something sexual happened between your daughter and an older cousin can be deeply upsetting, particularly when the person involved is someone your family continues to see.

We understand that you may be feeling shocked, worried and uncertain about what to do next. Your daughter has also expressed doubts about whether what happened counts because both children were younger at the time.

It is important to recognise that sexual behaviour between children can sometimes be harmful or abusive, depending on factors such as age, developmental differences, consent, pressure and the circumstances involved. The fact that both people were children does not automatically mean that what happened was harmless.

Responding to your daughter’s disclosure

Firstly, one of the most important things you can do is listen calmly and take what your daughter has told you seriously.

Try to avoid asking detailed or repeated questions about what happened. Instead, allow her to speak in her own words and at her own pace.

You can let your daughter know that you are glad she told you, that she is not to blame for anything that happened to her and that adults are responsile helping to keep her safe.

It is also important not to promise that you will keep the information secret. Explain gently that you may need to speak with someone whose role is to help protect children.

Prioritising your daughter’s safety

Because the person involved is still part of your wider family, it is particularly important to think about how to prevent further unwanted contact.

Until you have received appropriate safeguarding advice and any risks have been assessed, we would encourage you not to arrange contact between your daughter and the cousin.

This includes avoiding situations where they could be left alone together at family gatherings.

Some practical steps that may help include:

• Listen to your daughter without judgement and avoid pressing her for further details or asking leading questions.
• Write down what your daughter has told you as accurately as possible, using her own words and noting when the disclosure was made.
• Contact Túsla, the Child and Family Agency, for advice and to report the child protection concern. You do not need to establish exactly what happened before seeking safeguarding support.
• Avoid confronting the cousin or attempting to investigate the situation within the family, for now, as this could complicate a professional assessment and place additional pressure on your daughter.

Seeking appropriate professional guidance

We would strongly encourage you to contact Tusla’s local duty social work service as soon as possible.

Túsla is responsible for assessing child protection and welfare concerns in Ireland and can advise on the appropriate next steps.

You can find information about reporting a concern at the above Túsla link.

You can also contact An Garda Síochána about the disclosure. If you believe your daughter or another child is in immediate danger, call 999 or 112.

A professional safeguarding assessment may also need to consider whether other children could be at risk.

Supporting your daughter’s emotional wellbeing

Your daughter may experience a range of emotions following her disclosure, including confusion, sadness, anger, guilt or uncertainty.

She may also have complicated feelings about the cousin, particularly if she has continued to see them at family gatherings.

Try not to tell your daughter how she should feel or expect her to respond in a particular way. Instead, continue offering opportunities to talk and allow her to decide how much she wishes to share in everyday conversations.

Specialist therapeutic support may also be helpful. Túsla, your GP or an appropriate child protection professional can advise about services suited to your daughter’s age and circumstances.

Finding further support

Given the nature of this disclosure, we would particularly encourage you to seek safeguarding guidance promptly rather than trying to manage the situation within the family.

Our ISPCC Support Line can provide information and guidance about child protection and welfare concerns. It is open Monday to Friday from 9:00am to 1:00pm on01 522 4300. You can also email [email protected].

Your daughter can contact Childline’s 24 hour confidential, non judgemental and anonymous service on 1800 66 66 66 or through Childline.ie if she would like someone independent to talk to about er feelings or experiences.

Thank you for reaching out to Ask Robyn and for seeking help following your daughter’s disclosure. Please remember to take care of yourself too while ensuring your daughter receives the protection and support she needs

Robyn