Welcome to Ask Robyn

Welcome to our Ask Robyn service, and thank you for reaching out about your son’s confidence and how he sees himself.

It can be difficult to hear a young person regularly compare their appearance, achievements or lifestyle with others, particularly when those comparisons seem to leave them feeling unhappy with themselves.

Comparing ourselves with other people is a common experience, especially during adolescence when friendships, identity and belonging become increasingly important. However, when these comparisons begin to affect how a young person values themselves, it can be helpful to explore what may be contributing to those feelings.

Understanding why comparisons happen

Firstly, it may help to consider where your son is experiencing the most pressure.

He may be comparing himself with friends at school, people he follows online or others whose achievements and lifestyles appear different from his own.

Social media can make these comparisons particularly difficult, as young people are often seeing carefully selected moments from other people’s lives rather than the full picture.

At the same time, comparisons can happen offline too, through school results, sporting achievements, friendships or comments about appearance.

Rather than immediately reassuring him that he has nothing to worry about, try to understand what these comparisons mean to him and how they are affecting his confidence.

Helping him recognise his own value

When a young person feels that others are more successful, attractive or popular, they may begin overlooking their own strengths and qualities.

We can help by shifting the focus away from how they measure up to others and towards recognising what makes them an individual.

Some practical ideas that may help include:

• Encourage conversations about what he enjoys, values and feels proud of, rather than focusing mainly on achievements or appearance.
• Notice and acknowledge his efforts, kindness, creativity and personal qualities, helping him recognise strengths that are not based on competition.
• Explore how social media makes him feel and whether particular accounts or content regularly leave him feeling inadequate.
• Be mindful of how comparisons are discussed at home, including comments about appearance, success, possessions or other people’s achievements.

Building a healthier relationship with himself

Confidence does not necessarily come from being the best at something. It can develop through feeling accepted, developing skills, overcoming challenges and recognising our own progress.

Therefore, it may help to encourage your son to set personal goals based on what matters to him rather than what others are doing.

We can also help young people understand that everyone develops at their own pace and that differences in appearance, abilities, opportunities and circumstances are a normal part of life.

When comparison becomes more concerning

While some comparison is common, it is worth paying attention if your son becomes increasingly critical of himself, withdraws from activities, avoids social situations or seems persistently unhappy with his appearance or achievements.

If concerns about his body image begin affecting his eating habits, exercise, mood or everyday life, seeking advice from your GP or another appropriate professional would be important.

You may find our ISPCC articles helpful at ISPCC/how-to-spot-signs-of-low-self-esteem-in-your-child/ and ISPCC/body-image/

Finding further support

If you would like to talk through your concerns, our Support Line is open Monday to Friday from 9:00am to 1:00pm on 01 522 4300. You can also email [email protected].

Your son can also contact Childline’s 24 hour confidential, non judgemental and anonymous service on 1800 66 66 66 or through Childline.ie if he would like someone to talk to about his confidence or anything else that is worrying him.

Thank you for reaching out to Ask Robyn and for looking for ways to support your son’s confidence. Please remember to take care of yourself too.

Robyn