Welcome to Ask Robyn

Welcome to our Ask Robyn service, and thank you for getting in touch about your 13 year old.

Moving home and starting a new secondary school can be a significant adjustment, particularly at an age when friendships and feeling accepted by peers are becoming increasingly important.

It can be difficult to see your child spending so much time alone, especially when you notice how upset they become when classmates make plans without including them.

We can understand that you want to help them settle in while also respecting their growing independence and avoiding anything that might make them feel embarrassed.

Understanding the challenges of starting somewhere new

Firstly, it may help to recognise that joining an established school community can feel very different from starting secondary school alongside everyone else.

Friendship groups may already be formed, and your child may feel unsure about where they fit in or how to become part of conversations and activities.

Even when they say everything is fine, they may be experiencing disappointment, loneliness or uncertainty that they find difficult to explain.

Rather than focusing immediately on making new friends, try to understand what the experience has been like for them.

Keeping conversations relaxed

When your child responds by saying that you do not understand, it may be a sign that they are feeling frustrated or that talking about friendships is particularly sensitive.

Instead of asking repeated questions, try creating opportunities for conversations to happen naturally.

For example, spending time together while walking, driving or doing something they enjoy may feel less intense than sitting down specifically to discuss their social life.

You could acknowledge that starting somewhere new can be difficult and let them know that you are available whenever they want to talk.

Some practical ideas that may help

• Encourage your child to explore activities or clubs connected to their interests, where they may meet classmates with similar hobbies.
• Speak discreetly with their year head or class tutor about how they are settling in socially and whether the school can offer some gentle support.
• Support opportunities to spend time with individual classmates outside school, while allowing your child to decide which friendships they would like to develop.
• Continue making time for activities they enjoy and recognise their strengths, helping them maintain confidence outside their friendships at school.

Supporting independence while staying involved

At 13, your child may want more control over their friendships and social life. Therefore, it can be helpful to involve them in decisions about what support they would find useful.

For example, before contacting the school about friendships, you could explain why you are considering it and ask what they would feel comfortable with, unless there is an immediate safeguarding concern.

This can help your child feel included rather than believing that adults are taking over.

It is also worth remembering that friendships do not always develop quickly. Some young people find one close friend before gradually becoming part of a wider group.

Knowing when more support is needed

While adjusting to a new school can take time, continued isolation or withdrawal deserves attention.

If your child becomes increasingly unhappy, avoids school, loses interest in activities they previously enjoyed or shows ongoing changes in sleep, appetite or mood, consider speaking with your GP or another appropriate professional.

It would also be important to explore whether bullying or deliberate exclusion may be contributing to their experience.

You may find some of our friendship articles helpful: ispcc.ie/friendship

Finding further support

If you would like to talk through your concerns, our Support Line is open Monday to Friday from 9:00am to 1:00pm on01 522 4300. You can also email [email protected].

Your child can also contact Childline’s 24 hour confidential, non judgemental and anonymous service on 1800 66 66 66 or through Childline.ie if they would like to talk about friendships, loneliness or settling into their new school.

Thank you for reaching out to Ask Robyn and for looking for ways to support your child through this transition. Please remember to look after yourself too.

Robyn