Hi there,

Thank you for getting in touch with Ask Robyn.

It sounds like there is a lot going on at the moment, and you want to know if a six-year-old child will grow out of violent outbursts. It can be difficult to deal with a child when they get angry, and even more so when they are violent during these outbursts. Have the outbursts been happening for a long time? Are there certain things that trigger them?

Understanding violent outbursts

These outbursts or temper tantrums can be a natural part of development, but sometimes they can escalate into violent behaviour. Children often use behaviour as a form of communication, and angry behaviour can mask other feelings such as fear, hurt or frustration.

Responding to anger

A few things can help when your child is angry:

• Try not to rise to the bait. As difficult as it can be, reacting strongly can give them a sense of control, whereas staying calm shows that you are in control.
• Lead by example. Children learn social cues from their parents or carers, so keep this in mind when you are around them.
• Let them know you understand how they feel. This can help diffuse the situation, as an angry outburst can sometimes be a cry for attention.
• Do not force them to apologise straight away. They need to understand why their reaction was not okay before making a genuine apology.
• Acknowledge any effort they make to apologise, even if it is not exactly what you had hoped for.
• Once the anger has subsided, explain how their behaviour affects others.

Why calm comes first

A child’s brain is not fully developed until around 25 years of age. When a young child is angry or having a tantrum, it is impossible for them to take in advice or learn from their actions in that moment. First, work on calming them down. Once they are calm, explain why their behaviour will not get them the outcome they want.

Additional information is available here:

• How to respond to a child’s anger – ISPCC
• Arguments, conflict and family tension – NSPCC

Healthy ways to release anger

Children do not always know how to express anger. Here are a few safe ways to help:

• Encourage them to paint what they are feeling.
• Let them tear up paper or newspaper to release energy in a controlled way.
• Give them crayons and paper to scribble freely.
• Encourage running or physical activity to burn off energy. Set up a running course or race with them; often they will forget about the tantrum or its cause.

More ideas for creative anger expression can be found here:

• How to express anger creatively – ISPCC

Getting extra support

There are supports available to help you and your child cope with violent outbursts. The ISPCC provides a Non-violent Resistance Programme, which supports parents facing child-to-parent violence, a hidden struggle that can involve aggression, intimidation or controlling behaviours.

More information is available here:

• Non-violent Resistance Programme – ISPCC

If you are concerned about your child’s wellbeing, behaviour or safety, you can contact your local GP or speak with their school about additional support. Your local Family Resource Centre may also have services and supports to help you both.

Staying connected

If you would like more information, you are welcome to get in touch with us again with any follow-up questions. You can also call our Parent Support Line on 01 522 4300 between 9am and 1pm, Monday to Friday, or email us at [email protected].

Take care,

Robyn