Hello and welcome

Thank you for contacting Ask Robyn with your question. We want to reassure you that this is a concern many parents across Ireland are experiencing. Difficulties with attending school have become more common in recent years, particularly since the Covid pandemic, and many parents feel unsure about how best to help their child.

Understanding school refusal and school avoidance

It can be helpful to understand the difference between school refusal and school avoidance. School refusal is often short term and may happen after school holidays or on days when a child feels tired or unmotivated. School avoidance is usually more complex and can be linked to anxiety or feeling overwhelmed. In these cases, refusing to attend school can be a way for a young person to regain a sense of control when school feels too difficult to cope with. You may find it helpful to read more about this in the ISPCC resource on school refusal and school avoidance.

Possible underlying causes

There are often underlying reasons when a child does not want to attend school. Giving your daughter a safe and supportive space to talk about what is driving this behaviour is very important. Transitional periods are a common source of stress and anxiety. As your daughter is 13 years of age, she may have recently started secondary school. This transition can be overwhelming due to larger school buildings, new teachers, increased academic demands, and meeting new peers. While school avoidance can happen at any age, it is more commonly seen between the ages of 5 and 7, and again between 11 and 14.

Talking with your daughter

Try to communicate openly with your daughter about how she feels about school. It is important not to increase pressure, as this can make her anxiety worse. Let her know there is no judgement and that you want to understand what is happening so you can help. Acknowledge any fears or worries she shares and show that you understand how difficult this feels for her. These conversations can strengthen your relationship and may help you to identify the root cause of her reluctance to attend school.

Encouraging attendance gently

While it is important to be understanding, it is also helpful not to reinforce avoidance. Continue to encourage your daughter to attend school, even if this initially means attending for a shorter period of time. If she does stay at home, try to keep the day similar to a school day. Avoid access to phones, television, or special outings, so that staying at home does not become more appealing than attending school.

Working with the school

Working collaboratively with the school can be very beneficial. It helps your daughter see that you and the school are supporting her together. It also allows the school to better understand what she is experiencing and to put appropriate supports in place.

Further support and resources

You may find the following resources helpful. Túsla, the Child and Family Agency, provides information on what happens if school avoidance continues and who to contact for advice and support in your area: tusla.ie/parenting-24-seven/12-years/name-it-and-tame-it/not-going-to-school/. The Child and Young People’s Services Committees (CYPSC) also offer free toolkits and resource packs related to school avoidance: cypsc.ie/resources/school-avoidance

If you would like to discuss your concerns further, we are available from 9am to 1pm, Monday to Friday, on our Support Line at 01 522 4300. You can also email us at [email protected].

Take care of yourself, and thanks again for reaching out,

Robyn