Hi there and welcome to Ask Robyn,

You asked us when you should start disciplining your child, who is 17 months old and currently rebels and fights everything, like during nappy changes, wanting to go out constantly, and refusing to come back home.

Thank you for reaching out

Thanks for stepping forward and asking for support. Parenting is not an easy job, and at times it can feel challenging and confusing, especially since most of us were raised in circumstances very different from what is now considered typical. Because of that, we believe it’s helpful to begin by exploring what “discipline” means today and how it has evolved in recent years.

Please know that we are not here to judge you for seeking advice, but rather to support you. Every child develops at their own pace, and every parent finds their rhythm in their own time. The fact that you’re asking this question tells us that you are a caring and supportive parent who is doing their best—and that matters deeply.

A modern view of discipline

In the past, discipline was often about making children obey by using punishments like time-outs or taking things away. Parents were expected to be strict, and children were expected to follow rules without asking questions. Today, we understand that discipline is more effective when it is about teaching rather than punishing. Instead of just trying to stop unwanted behaviour, modern parenting focuses on helping children learn to manage their emotions, make better choices, and feel understood. It’s more about guiding them with patience and connection than controlling them through fear.

Understanding toddler behaviour

Two well-known thinkers on this topic are Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. In their book No-Drama Discipline, they reframe children’s behaviour through the lens of brain development, emotional regulation, and connection. According to their science-based approach, when a baby or toddler seems to be resisting everything, it’s not because they’re being “bold” or rebellious, it’s because their brain is still developing, and they don’t yet know how to manage big feelings.

What might look like defiance is often frustration, overwhelm, or a need for connection. Instead of seeing this behaviour as something that needs to be punished, it can help to view it as your child saying, “I’m struggling.” The most effective response is to connect first: get down to their level, acknowledge their feelings, and help them feel safe. Once they’re calm, you can gently guide their behaviour. Asking yourself, “What is my child experiencing right now?” can help you respond with curiosity and care instead of judgment.

When to start?

The answer is: from the very beginning! While newborns don’t need discipline in the traditional sense, they do need connection, soothing, and emotional attunement. This lays the foundation for healthy brain development and future behaviour. Comfort, eye contact, and a soothing voice all help build trust and emotional security.

As toddlers begin to express strong emotions, you can gently guide them by first connecting with them, get down to their level, name their feelings, and set clear but kind boundaries. For preschoolers and older children, once they’re calm, you can begin teaching them how to make better choices by asking thoughtful questions, helping them reflect, and encouraging problem-solving.

At every age, the goal is to lead with empathy and connection, not punishment.

Support and resources in Ireland

We understand that sometimes support from a professional can be really helpful. Fortunately, there are resources available for parents in Ireland. Family Resource Centres often run parent-toddler groups and provide support for parents navigating the early years. Useful information and guidance can also be found on the Túsla and HSE websites.

Another well-known programme available to families is Parents Plus, which offers parenting courses aimed at strengthening family relationships and improving outcomes for children. Alternatively, you might consider reaching out to a counsellor or parenting coach for additional guidance.

We’re here for you

We hope we have managed to answer your question thoroughly. Please don’t hesitate to contact us again if you need further support, we’re always here to help.

Wishing you all the best,

Robyn