Acknowledging your experience

Hi, thanks so much for getting in touch. We’re sorry that things are tough right now with your daughter’s language toward you. That can be incredibly draining and overwhelming for a parent, but there are steps you can take and support you can access.

Understanding the behaviour

This behaviour may come from a place of emotional dysregulation. When your daughter feels frustrated or overstimulated, she may lash out verbally as a way of trying to communicate a need. Having clear structure, routines, and boundaries in place may help to prevent these feelings from building.

Practical strategies

Discussing her morning and evening routines and keeping a visual copy somewhere visible, such as her bedroom door or the fridge, may reduce uncertainty. If you notice her becoming heightened, you can help ground her by referring back to the routine and what is coming next.

If this feels too strict at first, you could try the “now…then” method. For example: “Now we are eating breakfast, then we will brush our teeth.” If her language starts to escalate into disrespect, you can redirect her to sensory toys of her choosing. Keeping a “sensory box” in an accessible place can help her create a safe space for self-regulation.

Setting boundaries

Establishing clear boundaries for her behaviour, particularly her choice of language, is important. Whatever consequence you choose for unwanted language, try to apply it consistently so that she understands what to expect. Equally, praise and reward positive behaviour. Highlighting the behaviour you want to see can encourage her to repeat it.

It is understandable that remaining calm in these situations is very difficult. As much as possible, try not to show that her words hurt you, as this may reinforce the behaviour.

Possible influences

It is worth noting that upsetting language may be learned from other people or from media such as TV shows or YouTube. If you suspect this is a factor, you may wish to limit her exposure. It is also crucial that adults around her model the language and behaviour you would like her to mirror. This can include praising her, speaking well of her to others in her presence, and showing affection in the way you speak to her.

Additional support

The ISPCC offers therapeutic support to children and families facing challenges like yours. This service could work with you to address the behaviour and help your daughter develop coping strategies to self-regulate. You can find more information here: ISPCC Child and Family Support Services

AsIAm, Ireland’s national autism charity, also offers a child and family support programme. More information is available here: AsIAm Support

It may also help to look for local autism support groups for parents. Sharing experiences with others who understand can reduce feelings of isolation.

You can also contact the ISPCC Support Line, available Monday to Friday, 9am to 1pm. You can reach them by email at [email protected] or by calling 01 522 4300.

Final thoughts

It takes great strength to speak about what you are going through and to acknowledge your need for support. It is clear that you love your child and are trying your best for her. We hope that some of these suggestions help.

Take care,

Robyn