Welcome to Ask Robyn

Hi there,

Thank you for getting in touch with Ask Robyn.

It sounds like there is a lot going on at the moment, and you mention that your son does not go to school and is violent. Are these things related? Is your son being violent towards you?

School refusal

It is understandable that you would be worried when your son is refusing or trying to avoid going to school. There can be many reasons why a young person may not want to attend. Has he spoken with you about why he does not go to school?

You might find some tips on our website helpful: ispcc.ie/how-to-deal-with-school-refusal-and-school-avoidance/.

Additional support for school refusal can also be found here: tusla.ie/parenting-24-seven/12-years/name-it-and-tame-it/not-going-to-school/

and here: parentline.ie/school-refusal/.

At a later stage it may be worth looking into the School Completion Programme, which can offer support around attendance: tusla.ie/tess/information-for-parents-and-guardians-tess/school-completion-programme-pg/how-can-the-school-completion-programme-help-me-my-child-wont-go-to-school/.

Understanding anger and calming strategies

A child’s brain continues to develop until their mid twenties. When young people become very angry or overwhelmed, they cannot take in advice or learn from their actions in that moment. It is important to first focus on helping them calm down, and once they are calm, to explain why their actions will not help them get what they want.

More information is available here: ispcc.ie/how-to-respond-child-anger/

and here nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/arguments-conflict-family-tension/#why.

Helping your child express anger safely

Children do not always know how to express anger safely. Here are a few ideas that may help your child release anger without becoming violent. They could paint what they are feeling or tear up paper or newspaper to release energy in a controlled way. Giving them crayons and paper to scribble on can also help. Running can be useful for burning off extra energy, especially if an outburst seems to be building. You could set up a simple running course or race with them, which may help them forget about the tantrum or what caused it.

You can find more ideas here: ispcc.ie/how-to-express-anger-creatively/

Supports for violent outbursts

There are supports available to help you and your child cope with violent behaviour. The ISPCC provides the Non violent Resistance Programme, which supports parents facing child to parent violence, including aggression, intimidation, and controlling behaviours.

Getting additional help

If you are concerned about your child’s wellbeing, behaviour, or safety, you can contact your local GP or the school to discuss possible supports. Your local Family Resource Centre may also have services that could help you both.

We are here if you need more support

If you were hoping for more information, you reach out to us again with any follow up questions. You can call our parent support line on 01 522 4300 if you would like to talk through possible options. This line is open between 9am and 1pm, Monday to Friday. You can also email us at [email protected].

Take care, we hope you find the above helpful,

Robyn