Your Question
Hi I have a number children , one had dyslexia and adhd who is my boy and I have twin girls who are 9. One of the twins I have had assessed for dyslexia and it came back she is not. I’m really struggling as she is does not know how to regulate her emotions, is worried a lot , lashes out and hits and punches me , is extremely disrespectful to me multiple times a day , really bad language to me and causing a lot of trouble in our household daily with siblings and defys all out family rules. More often than not it is directed at me . I really do not know am I missing something more ? How to handle this situation going forward and how to stop this mental abuse I feel she is putting me throw every day and the short term steps to even get through.
Answer
Hi there,
Many thanks for getting in touch with Ask Robyn. It sounds like a really tough time for you, with a lot going on for you and your children. Trying to manage all this can be stressful, and experiencing the type of abuse described from your child can be so upsetting.
It is great that you can recognise where your daughter needs support and that she finds regulating her emotions challenging. Identifying this is a good first step. It may be good to start having conversations with her about her emotions when she is calm. Encourage her to build her awareness of the various emotions, how they feel and look for her and what brings up certain feelings. For some children often just learning what the different feelings are is a great starting point. Inside Out is a great movie to help start these conversations in a fun way.
Once she is aware of the core feelings, start modelling conversations in recognising and labelling feelings as they arise, accepting feelings in a non judgemental way, you may say things like “I can see you’re feeling worried about…” or “Did that make you angry when…” and also to encourage conversations about other more positive emotions, and speaking about your own feelings “I was so happy when…”
What is important is to not label emotions as “good” or “bad.” All emotions are acceptable and valid, but it is how we respond to them. It is important for parents to enforce rules and boundaries around what is acceptable and what isn’t. It may help to say things like “I can see that made you really angry, but it is not okay to hit me.”
It is important to allow time for repair after these heated moments. This can be a really hard thing to do, especially if your daughter has hurt you. Allowing special time together where you’re focusing on repairing the connection you have for your daughter allows for her learn on that repair and reconnect following times where she may be embarrassed or ashamed of how she acted.
It may also help to think about your own support system, whether you have a partner, friend, or family member who may be able to support you and your child. We understand that these can be really tough behaviours to manage and deal with but it is really important for you to also have someone to talk to. It may help to get additional support to further understand and support your daughter. In relation to the hitting and punching, one area that may be of support is the “Non Violent Resistance programme” You can find more information about it here: https://www.ispcc.ie/child-to-parent-violence-the-non-violent-resistance-programme-nvr/
Being a parent is a tough job, with no instruction manual. It sounds like you are doing so much in advocating for your children to have their needs met and also in supporting them with their emotional regulation. It is so important to be kind and gentle to yourself as a parent.
You may find it beneficial to chat to a trusted friend or close family member about how you are feeling and about what is going on. You can also contact ISPCC’s Support Line by email to [email protected] or by phone from Monday to Friday 9am – 1pm on 01 522 4300.
We hope this has been helpful for you and we would love to hear from you if you have any further questions.
Take care,
Robyn
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