My daughter wants to have a sleepover with a new friend

Hi there. 

Thanks for getting in touch with Ask Robyn.

You have said that you are worried about your daughter and a new friend that she has. You haven’t met the parents and your daughter has stayed a few nights at their house. 

It can be hard to put boundaries in place and it can also feel stressful when young people push back and say things such as you can’t stop them. It can make us feel like we are not doing enough. It sounds like you are trying to address this but you are worried about pushing her away further, would that be correct? We appreciate that asking for help is a hard step to make, so well done for reaching out.

We wonder how has your relationship been with your daughter before she made friends with this person? Has she pushed back to boundaries that you have tried to set before? 

It is common for teenagers to push back at boundaries that parents set for them as they are at the age of trying to develop their own independence. It’s important as a parent to ensure these boundaries are in place, we may need to explain the importance of these boundaries such as “you can’t stay there as I don’t know the parents and I need to know you are safe.”

With these situations it may also help to offer compromises such as: “if you can give me the parents number maybe we can discuss future sleepovers?” 

When you say that she has changed since she has been there, what does this look like for you?

It may be an idea to try to plan some one-on-one time with your daughter to allow for some connection and see how things are for her. Maybe there is a nice activity that you have enjoyed together in the past such as going for walks or for a treat which can allow you a moment to check in and also If you feel the time is right to let her know that you are worried and this worry is coming from a place of love and that you want her to be happy and safe.

Sometimes it may help to phrase things like;

“I feel_____, when _____, next time it would help me if_____”

So, for your situation this might sound like;

“I feel worried, when you stay at a place where I don’t know the people there, next time it would help me if I could talk to the parents first.”

This can be a hard conversation to have, and your daughter may not respond well at first, but it is good for her to know how you are feeling.  

It can be stressful trying to have these conversations and it is important that you look after yourself as well, do you have someone you can talk to about this, maybe another parent who has been through a similar situation?

You may find some of our articles helpful such as: www.ispcc.ie/how-to-handle-teen-conflict-in-family-relationships/

We also have our ISPCC Support Line which can be contacted by email to [email protected] or by phone from Monday to Friday 9am – 1pm on 01 522 4300 if you would like to talk more about this.

We hope this has been helpful for you and thanks for getting in touch.  

Take care,  

Robyn