Your Question
My 11 year old son is returning home to live with me.
He and his Mother can’t be in the same house without fighting any more. Much the same as she and I couldn’t. How can I be the father figure he’s been missing these last few years and still be able to correct his current behaviour without being the “Discipline Dad.” He’s very angry at us both right now, and I want him to be happy and calm and have a fun childhood.
Answer
Hi there,
You are very welcome to Ask Robyn, and thank you so much for reaching out with what is going on for you. We know it can be hard to come back into a child’s life after being absent for a while, and it is really positive that you have been reflecting on this and what to be the father figure that he needs now.
It can feel like a balancing act of trying to be a parent to correct a child’s behaviour and not wanting to be the “discipline dad.” It is important to first focus on rebuilding that trust with your son before trying to correct any behaviours. This is really important as you have said he is quite angry at you both right now. He needs to know that you are there for him and that your love is unconditional. Plan some nice activities together and get into some morning and evening routines, such as watching a show together in the evening or playing a game, ensuring that he has everything for school ready the night before and has a good breakfast in the mornings. Allow time for little check ins before and after school to see how he is doing and learn to know what is going on for him.
Although it can be hard to not go straight to correcting his behaviours, this relationship piece is so important. He is still growing, he may have the experience of constantly being given out to and told what he has done wrong. He likely needs to have his confidence supported further than other children, really focus on catching him being good and celebrate all those little wins, such as days where he is ready on time, if has packed his bag and if he is happy and does something helpful at home. If you go straight to focusing on what he is doing wrong he may get defensive and feel that he can’t do anything right.
That being said, you can set some house rules to ensure consistency and model boundaries for him. Discuss the reason for rules such as making sure that everyone in the house is happy and safe. Rules can include tidying up after yourself, being gentle, using kind words etc. Use the language of the behaviours you want to see rather than what you don’t want to see.
We hope you have found this helpful. You are also very welcome to call us on a parent support line on 01 522 4300 if you what to talk more about possible options. This line is open between 9am-1pm, Monday-Friday. Alternatively, you can email us at [email protected].
Take care of yourself,
Robyn
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